Saturday, May 9, 2009

Are You Worth IT?

I have been thinking of this question since Tuesday night. I was watching the Biggest Loser and it hit me. I do not think that I am worth it. I don't think that I deserve to have an awesome husband, great kids and anything else. I don't think that I am worthy of my husband. I am constantly in fear that one day he will wake up and say..I don't love you. I want a divorce. Why would I think this.. he did once 12 years ago.

I beat myself up constantly, mentally that is. If I was a good wife I would be doing _____ instead of this. IF I was a good mom I would know this_________ already. If I was a good person, than I would have x, y & z.

Anywho, back to The Biggest Loser. Tara was talking about how she finally found that she was worth all the work. That she was worthy of having the life that she always wanted. I just sat there nodding my head. Yes, I know that feeling. I know that not worthy feeling very well. I go through it all the time. I have never been one for self confidence. Never. It does not help that growing up if my father saw a heavy woman he would make comments. He would say that they were disgusting fat cows. Well guess what dad, I am now that disgusting fat cow. My mom never looks at me the same when I am overweight. Whenever I loss weight she treats me completely differently. I am not sure if she realizes it.

I know that I am struggling with a mild form of depression right now. It is hard not to in my house. My kitchen is not done, my living room will not be painted for Mother's Day like I asked. The one thing that I asked for for Mother's Day won't happen. I don't ask for much ever. I don't think that I deserve it. I ask for very little when it comes to myself. But I have been living in a messy disorganized kitchen for 3 months now and I am tired of it. I have asked for help, but not gotten it. When I ask for help I have to beg and sometimes I have to yell. I flipppin hate that! Asking my 11yr to do this dishes is like pulling flippin teeth. I am tired of feeling like a tightrope walker. I am constantly trying not to say the wrong thing to anyone. If I say the wrong thing to dh, well the day is screwed. If I say the wrong thing to ds the day is screwed. If I do not let him do what he wants, he bitches and moans the entire day to the point that everyone is in a shitty mood. Oh and heaven forbid if dh is on the end of one of ds' little attitude problems. That ruins everything. I am just so tired with it all. It never seems to stop. My youngest boy has now gotten to show his temper and let me tell you it can be scary. Not like my oldest, but still scary. He will destroy his room. He will eventually calm down and apologize. Dh does not see the correlation of his temper to how the boys handle theirs. I know that my reactions can set them off. I do my best, I am trying to get better. I know that I cannot tell my kids one thing and do another. But I cannot do this all by myself. I have tried to explain to dh we need to show them a better way of handling things. It is as if I am talking to a brick wall.

I know that couseling would help my family, but I don't know if we could do that right now. Dh's schedule is so wacky. I think that it would be a good thing. I might just have to make it work.

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